Our diagnosis was clear from the beginning. Due to a long-term medical condition, my dh has a very low sperm count (< 1 million per ml, when a "low normal" count is 25 million). We knew when we married that we would probably need fertility treatments to have a baby, and we even had our very first IVF consultation during our engagement. That was four years ago.

Since then, dh has been undergoing some drug therapies to try to increase his sperm count. So he knows what it is like to undergo daily injections of hormones! The treatments have been modestly successful but the count is still very low. That means that we have to have ICSI, the variant of IVF in which the embryologist injects just one sperm into each egg.

Today (February 1999), we are still on our IF journey. Our first IVF in November failed, sadly. The ups and downs were incredible! I produced 17 eggs, and I was so excited, because in IVF, "more eggs" usually spells more embryos and therefore more chances at success in the end. You can imagine our devastation when the re's office called, 24 hours after egg retrieval, to say that NONE of our 17 eggs had fertilized. I cannot tell you how much that hurt, and it hurts just to remember it. We felt that we were at the end, that we would never have a baby of our own. Well, the next day we got a call saying that 2 of the embryos had fertilized, albeit a day late. The re transferred the two back into me, but two weeks later AF came, and we knew our two babies were gone. We were devastated again, just sick.

Although our first IVF attempt failed, we are about to start another IVF cycle, and we are much more hopeful. We have changed re's, and the new clinic has a much better reputation and success rate than the old one. The big difference is that our insurance paid for the old clinic but won't pay for the new one. So, like lots of people, we are now about to spend a big chunk of savings. But it's worth it. I am hoping to add a "success story" later on, but for now I am just thinking positive.

I wanted to add just another couple of experiences we have had with male-factor IF. In some ways, we're a lot like other IF couples, and we share the same pain, the hopes and fears, and the ups and downs of treatment. In some ways, we're a bit different. For one, male-factor is particularly hard on the man involved. Dh has a lot of unresolved feelings that he doesn't really want to talk about, and that sometimes makes it hard for us to keep communications open. I find that IVF dominates my life when I'm in treatment. I want to talk about the IVF, and our different options, and what we'll do if we fail, but he just avoids the topic. That makes me feel as if I'm isolated and misunderstood -- after all, we're IF together! On his side, I think he feels that I'm not sufficiently aware of how traumatic his experiences have been -- for him, talking about IF now is like raking up all the miserable tests and things that led to his diagnosis way back when. This communications gap has really caused problems for us, and only now are we working things out a bit.

Another difference is that I sometimes feel guilty when talking to my many wonderful cycle buddies who have female-factor problems. These strong women have been through so much, and I have not. (This is my own perception, not any guilt they lay on me!! My CBs have always been outstandingly supportive of one another, whatever the diagnosis.).

Trying to see the silver lining, I would say that the failure of our first IVF has made us stronger as a couple. It really forced us to confront our failures of communication and try to set up ways to do better in the future. This wasn't instantaneous, or easy. It meant long days (and nights) of hurt feelings, and a few really awful fights. But we are facing our second IVF with a better attitude, and a much more open atmosphere. This time, we are really ready!

Let me end with my good wishes for all readers of this terrific website. To those of you who are IF too, my heart goes out to you, and I wish you the greatest success in whichever route you choose to parenthood.