From the time I was old enough to fantasize about my future, I have had trouble with the image of holding my own child in my arms. I could picture a husband, just not a baby.

I had a long-term relationship in which we didn't try not to get pregnant. During almost two years of unprotected intercourse we didn't even have any scares.

When my DH and I started dating, I went on the pill. When we got married in 1992, I stayed on it because we were geographically separated for the first year and a half, and then I started a new job.

Finally in May of 1996, I quit taking the pill. When by August of 1997 I had not gotten pregnant, we went to see the ob/gyn at the base hospital (my DH is in the Air Force). The doctor first did the bloodwork and semen analysis. When neither turned up a reason for our infertility, he put me on Clomid for three months. Suffice it to say, Clomid didn't do it.

In April of 1998, I had an HSG. The iodine spilled on both sides; no problem there. So in April, I had a laparoscopy. The doctor found that my fimbrae were badly scarred. He told us if we wanted children, ivf was the only way.

We had to wait nine months to get into the program. In the meantime, at a routine physical, my DH's doctor looked up from the medical records and asked him if he knew he'd tested positive eight years ago for hepatitis B? And if that wasn't strange enough, after my dh and I had been together for over seven years, I didn't have it! The result of this revelation being we had to wait three more months to start ivf so I could get the vaccinations.

So in April/May of this year, we went through all those awful injections. My DH laughs because I'm real queasy about seeing needles puncture skin. I pinch my thigh, set the needle where I'm going to put it in at, close my eyes and push it through. I keep them closed until after I've plunged and pulled it out. He did the pergonal and hCG, but that's because of the location of the injection.

On May 15th, we had the retrieval. They took out 25 eggs and 10 fertilized, all 10 rated 1 which is the best rating at our clinic. On the 18th, we went for the transfer. The RE recommended we only use two because everything looked so good. We agreed. The remaining 8 were frozen.

Three days before my pg test, I started spotting. It was around lunch time but they said not to worry unless it was bright red. Before I left work at 5pm, I checked again. The spotting had turned bright red. I cried all the way home. I called the RE, but I knew it was already too late. My DH worked evenings then. When I called to tell him, I think I was as close to hysterical as I've ever been. He couldn't leave work though. Having been in the military myself, I understood that, but it was a bad night.

We decided to try an FET at the very next cycle. Only 4 of the 8 embryos survived the thaw. We used all four. This time I got to the day of the pg test, but when the doctor called, and not a nurse, I knew it was bad news. It was so hard to sit at work the rest of the afternoon, but at least my DH was home that evening to hold me while I cried. If I felt this bad when I'd never even been pregnant, I can't imagine how much worse a miscarriage would be.

Our RE said that she found some conflicting remarks in the report from my laparoscopy. While it said the HSG had shown my tubes were open, it also mentioned the possibility of a hydrosalpinx (a fluid filled tube). Because I had seen the fluid spill on both sides myself, she thought it was a mistake, but after the two failures, she wanted to do a repeat of the HSG to make sure. Again, the iodine spilled from both sides, however she thought she saw an odd shape at the top of my uterus so she did a sono-HSG as well. It turns out I had more than one problem.

In August, I had a hysteroscopy to remove the adhesions from the walls of my uterus. My RE assures me that my uterus is now perfect and we can try again whenever we're ready. She also tells me they have started to do blastocyst transfer and there is a higher success rate than with the three-day transfer. We plan to try again after the new year.

We're both very excited and optimistic. I don't want to get my hopes up too high, but I think I can picture a baby now. Maybe even a couple of them.