June 1st

I got up to beautiful sunshine. I sat over my morning coffee, bladder bursting, I was determined not to go. I was debated with myself reasons to test and reasons not to test. If I did test I could find that it would be totally negative and that would hurt, really hurt. But then again, it could be that it would show more positive than the day before. What an excellent thought!!

My doctor told me I could test on the 2nd and this was only a day before. Would it make that much difference? I knew it would. On paper my hormone levels would double if I waited another day.

I looked at yesterday's test, it didn't show a lot now and was turning browner by the minute. If I didn't have the old hpt to keep looking at, how could I reassure myself it wasn't all a wonderful dream?

I needed to know that it wasn't just the hormone from my injection. That was reason enough to test. I'd have to decide soon as I felt the need to go the bathroom really badly.

If I didn't do it then would I be tempted later in the day? That wouldn't be much good really, even though it says on the packet "test any time of the day." This early on I needed the hcg to be as strong as possible. I knew this. My logic was getting illogical. I began to scare myself at lasting the day without doing another hpt.

So I opened the packet, shaking a little.....excited, nervous.

Hold it in the stream for a second they say, I'll make it 5, might help!

And I won't look at it for at least 10 minutes. Ha ha, I laughed at myself as I carried it around with me. The pink paper began to clear, was there anything there? It didn't look like it? It all looked pink and not in a circle, must be my eyes deceiving me. Within a couple of minutes this time there was a dot. It was pretty solid although still faint. Not just the outline like yesterday.....Oh My God it was at least as good as yesterday's test, if not better. I tried to compare them but yesterday's test wasn't of much use now.

But I could see this in any light, better in the shade or held up to the light but not with the light on it, although I could still see it.

Perhaps it wasn't multiples after all. I called the drug company and asked how much hcg it detects. 50 miu she told me. Hmm, that would mean my levels show a singleton or are a bit low. Did it confirm I was going to give birth? No. I mustn't get excited. I must wait until the 3rd.

Constantly telling myself the test wasn't conclusive didn't stop my imagination and didn't stop me from looking at the calendar. Hmmm, around the end of Feb? That would be a lovely way to mark my brother's birthday and might take off the sadness of the day. Sadness because he can't celebrate his birthday anymore. I went to his grave and thanked him for looking after me and for giving me this wonderful precious gift.

I prayed I would get invited to a nice party at Christmas time. At 7 months or so, I would look lovely in a nice maternity dress. Grant would be proud of me and take my hand as he helped me from my seat.

The babies would be just right at 5 months old for a July christening. Everyone could come. I just don't care, just so long as I get to show them off.....

My stomach wouldn't be going down from this bloated state, wonderful. I looked at the test most of the day. It stayed with its 2 pink dots.

Should I buy another for tomorrow?

June 2nd

I decided when I got up that I should try to hold on and not go to the toilet until I had another test ready. This was becoming rather addictive. I still felt pretty awful physically but getting more excited as I didn't see any blood, but the cramps were getting worse. I had heard so many other people, pregnant or not saying they had cramps too so I decided to ignore the possible meaning of the cramps. I got dressed and as I was putting on my make up I decided I couldn't hold out any longer, I had to urinate so I found a clean beaker and after it was safely stored I drove to the shop.

I tried to wait slightly longer.

It was impossible. I held the test in the urine....yes! It did come up positive but I wasn't confident that it was as good as they day before. It saddened me quite a lot. Maybe my numbers were dropping, if it really detected 50miu then by the looks of the test I was not much over 50.

I tried to relax for the day and knew that this time tomorrow it would all be over, the waiting would have come to an end and it would be confirmed one way or another.

June 3rd

The day of my beta hcg blood test, I had to take another hpt. It showed immediately positive, much stronger than all the others. This really made me confident. I dressed nicely and drove the long, long journey to the hospital.

As I watched the nurse draw the blood I knew that there was information contained in there to change my life. I felt pretty tired so thankfully when I got home I managed to sleep. That at least stopped me stewing about the result.

They asked me to call at 2.30pm. It was 1.45pm and I thought I would give them a try. I was breathless and shaky.

"Ok Mrs Usher........I'm just getting out your notes" That seemed to take forever, "We have your blood test results back and it was positive!" Oh god, even though it was news I was expecting it was still so wonderful to hear those words

"Oh yes! That's excellent, I had hoped it would be." I said stupidly. Quite obviously I wouldn't have gone through all that treatment if I hadn't hoped to get pregnant!

I was absolutely over the moon and totally full of beans suddenly. As I had planned down to the last detail how I would I tell everyone, I went to Grant's work to tell him the news. When I got back the phone calls started, Mum and Dad were the first. They called me earlier than we had arranged so I was a little surprised and said "Oh hello Mum.......or should I say Nana?"

"Oh can you?" She said with tears in her voice. Dad was on the extension and said some things I can't really remember. I was thinking how surprised I was at their reaction, so calm. Nothing like I had imagined at all. We didn't speak for long as they had lots of phoning round to do.... I wanted them to do it all and enjoy their moment but they had to go out that evening to their shiatzu so they had to be brief. The first call I had after that was from Mum's old work mate Sue. She was so lovely and I asked her how mum had seemed

"Absolutely delighted," she said and told me that mum had told her "I'm going to be a Nana" almost screaming down the phone. That reassured me that maybe they weren't so calm after all and were perhaps in shock!!

I continued to enjoy my evening and told my few friends, Pip's reaction was the best. She shouted and screamed at me down the phone totally unbelieving what I was telling her. It was truly amazing.

I was just praying that I could keep this baby or these babies. My hormone levels had come back much higher than I thought, I was anticipating about 60 or 70 but they actually were 287. That could indicate multiples! Wow!!!!