Hello everyone,

It's been so good to read your stories and get to know some of you a little better over the past few days. Your stories are wonderful examples of the strength and determination us IVFers have. I hope and pray that someday we will be able to share those qualities with our children.

I have spent the past few days glued to the computer screen. Everything is well organized in computer land, but you should see our house. Dishes and laundry are piled high, bed unmade, washrooms desperately needing to be cleaned and to top it all off the Christmas tree is still decorated. I guess if I let it stand a while longer I can leave it up for next year . My neighbour (who is 3 months pg) commented on the fact that our tree was still up the other day. She reminds me a lot of Martha Stewart (grrrrr). My other neighbour (who is 5 months pg) came over last week to give me her good luck charm for getting pg, a newborn's diaper. She said that a friend, who had secondary IF for 9 yrs, gave it to her. My neighbour got pg the first month she went off the pill. For some reason I don't think she needed a good luck charm. And I have to tell you that the good luck charm didn't work that well for our BMS (a long shot anyway) this month, because AF arrived full force yesterday. But I can tell you, if that diaper ever does work, I will scan it and post it to the web site. We need all the help we can get.

Oh yes and I am still in waiting mode to find out when we can start our FET. Our IVF consult is next week, which is when I will be begging and pleading our case to start our FET in February (2 months after our failed IVF cycle). Our clinic usually makes patients wait 3 months (Ugghhh). You can expect either a jubilant or an agitated email from me next week. Well, I'm off now to clean up our place. When I start suffering from computer withdrawal, I'll be back. Don't worry I will be at the chat tomorrow night and I'll be here to handle anything urgent that comes up.

Wishing you all many ++++ thoughts, Brenda

Hello everyone,

I can't believe it. Our IVF doctor is actually letting us do an FET cycle in February, after all of his staff said I would have to wait until March. He checked my ovaries today with an u/s and everything looks back to normal. Another surprise is that I will be doing a natural cycle FET. I was told that I would have to do a medicated FET, because of my irregular AFs. The clinic's stats went up in 1998 for FETs, because they were using more natural cycle FETs. That's why my RE decided it would be better for me to try the natural cycle FET first. I will be on no drugs, except for the Bromocriptine, which I have to continue to take for my high Prolactin. My AF should arrive by the middle of Feb, so it looks like transfer will be in late Feb.

I also asked him whether he thinks that I should remove my blocked fallopian tubes before my next fresh IVF cycle. He said that since he drained and cleaned them during my lap last summer, they haven't turned back into hydros again. He says that he will continue to monitor them when I come in for an u/s. If they turn into hydros again, he said we should consider removing them.

I have a few questions for anyone out there who is doing or has done an FET cycle in the past:

What type of FET cycle did you do (natural cycle, medicated, etc.)?
What drugs did you take for your FET?
What is the thaw survival rate at your clinic?
What is the pg success rate for FET at your clinic?
If you did a natural cycle FET, how does your clinic monitor your hormone levels?
Does your clinic do anything different for an FET transfer?
Does your clinic recommend bed rest after an FET transfer?

I apologize for the many questions. This is my first FET cycle, so everything is rather new to me. Thanks for reading my long email. I wish everyone ++++ thoughts

Love, Brenda

January 31st, 1999 I wish I could get pregnant ....

Hello everyone,

I wish I could get pregnant ...... as easily as I get bladder infections. I have to have at least one per year. And of course I am cautious by now. I have a pantry stocked with cranberry juice. I go to the washroom before BMS (after BMS isn't always a good idea if you are still trying for the one in a million shot of getting pg). I have heard many tips to help prevent bladder infections but none seem to help me. So here I am with another bladder infection. Boo Hoo!!

Okay so I don't really have an update, because I'm still waiting for good old AF to arrive so that I can start my FET cycle. Your emails keep me going and help me to pass the time until my turn arrives. I am logged on to the computer so often, my dh wonders what has happened to his wife. My Dh should be happy, because he is the one who wanted me to learn more about the internet :)

Well I hope that everyone is doing well.

++++ thoughts
Take care, Brenda

February 2, 1999 - AF arrives

Hello everyone,

I can't believe it. AF actually arrived today to make it a perfect 28 day cycle. For those of you who don't know me well, I never have 28 day cycles (usually closer to 30-42 day cycles). I am hoping this unusual event is a good sign for my upcoming FET. Today is considered day 1 for my FET cycle. I go in for bloodwork on day 3 to check my FSH and Prolactin levels. If all goes well I will start my daily blood work on day 10 of my cycle (Feb 17). I won't be on any drugs this cycle because I am doing a natural cycle FET. As I learn more details, I will fill you in. I am trying to stay more positive and relaxed for my FET cycle than I did for my IVF cycle.

I am sending everyone positive energy and thoughts. I am praying that we will have more good news from the group very soon.

++++ thoughts
Love, Brenda

Hello everyone,

Well after many delays, the first version of IVF Connections is now up and running.

I would like to thank you all so much for inspiring me to build this site. It is through your friendship and sharing of your IVF experience with me, that I realized more IVFers should have the support and love that we did. The web site is not finished, nor will it ever be. Just as long as there is an untold story or an unanswered question, I shall keep adding to it.

Many, many thanks to all those who have already made contributions of stories, questions and ideas to the site. I really appreciate these contributions, because we all have unique experiences to share. If you would like to contribute your story, questions, ideas or comments to the web site, I would be very grateful. Thank you all for your love and support.

++++ thoughts
Love, Brenda

February 18, 1999 - My sweetheart

Hello everyone,

It's been a long time since I have shared an update with you. I have almost recovered from the flu. It feels more like a cold now. I hope everyone had a nice Valentine's day with their sweethearts. Unfortunately my dh and I were both sick on Valentine's day, so ours was truly pathetic. Dh ended up sleeping in the guest room, because he didn't want to keep me awake with his coughing. How romantic, NOT!!!!

I do want to share with you a romantic story from last Friday though, which proves that Valentine's Day can be any day you want it to be. Last Friday evening I was reading a sad, but romantic Valentine's Day story (see Roses for Rose), which a friend of mine had sent me. I couldn't stop crying and dh thought that something terrible had happened. I had to explain to dh that the story just made me sentimental and I had just realized after reading the story that I had been neglecting him a bit lately. He told me that I had not neglected him and that he loved me. We curled up on the sofa and watched AE biography together. The biography was about Hershey (the one who started the chocolate company). I had never heard his life story before. He was truly a remarkable man. Hershey and his wife couldn't have kids together, even though they desperately wanted them (sound familiar). After it was apparent that they would never have kids of their own, they started an orphanage. Hershey and his wife made sure that the kids at the orphanage were happy and got a good education. Hershey endowed the orphanage and the attached school with lots of money. Today it is still running and it is now mainly a school for kids of low income families from across America. These kids get a free education at a really good school that has all the latest equipment and technology. If Hershey were alive today he could see all the children he continues to help to this day. I just think that what he did and is still doing for these children is so wonderful. Anyway during the TV show I had to cry again, because Hershey's struggle with infertility touched me so deeply. The next morning when I went downstairs to have breakfast, I found a bunch of Hershey's kisses placed into the shape of a heart on the kitchen table. My dh is a big sweetheart.

Okay, now on to my actual FET update. I started b/w monitoring for my natural cycle FET on Wednesday. During a natural cycle FET you don't have to take any drugs. My clinic monitors your natural E2 and LH levels to determine when the transfer will take place. Here are my numbers so far (Canadian measurements):

	Day 10	Day 11
*E2	309	227
LH	8	8

They want to see my E2 level between *600-1000. I was kind of surprised when my E2 number went down after the first day. But the nurse told me that my follicle was still small and at this early stage it was normal for the number to go down a bit. They want to see the LH number surge to at least triple what it is right now (somewhere above 30). They will transfer the embryos 3 days after my LH surge. Today I am on day 11 of my cycle, so I'm sure I still a while to wait yet. I am feeling very relaxed and calm about this first FET cycle. I am trying to banish all negative thoughts and energy from my heart, body and mind.

Thanks for letting me share my update. I am wishing you all positive thoughts and energy.

Love, Brenda

February 21, 1998 - FET update

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to thank everyone who sent me a note about my upcoming FET. I really appreciate your kind words and ++++ thoughts. It looks like I am getting very close to knowing the transfer date.

Day	10	11	12	13	14
*E2	309	227	352	738	839
LH	8	8	8	8	15

As you can see my E2 level started to take off as of yesterday and my LH is starting to surge today. I have to go in for a blood test tomorrow. They should either see that my LH has indeed surged or that my E2 and my LH levels have both gone down. I can't believe that my cycles are actually starting to normalize. I have been on Bromocriptine for a high Prolactin level for almost 5 months now. Maybe it was the high Prolactin level that was causing my irregular AFs. Hopefully by tomorrow I will have ovulated. It looks like I could be transferring on Wednesday or Thursday. I will let you know once I know my transfer date.

I hope everyone had a good weekend.

++++ thoughts
Love, Brenda

February 24, 1999 - Transfer tomorrow

Hello everyone,

I'm sorry that I didn't get a chance to update you earlier. I have been having major internet connection problems for about a week now. Yesterday I was able to receive email, but not send them out until the late afternoon today. Then this morning I couldn't receive email and now I'm just plain back logged. I apologize that I won't be able to answer all of your emails before my transfer, but I will try to answer all the urgent ones as soon as possible. I hope you will understand.

My frozen embryo transfer is tomorrow. I surged on Monday and the transfer was sheduled for Thursday. Our precious little embryos will be transferred at 9:15 am tomorrow and then I will be on bed rest until Saturday. Saturday is when I plan to catch up on all my emails.

In the meantime, I just want to let you know that I will be thinking of all of you and praying for you. I am sending everyone a big {{ Hug }} and lots of ++++ thoughts

Love, Brenda

February 27, 1999 - Transfer Update and VENT!!

Hello my dear friends,

First of all I have to thank you for all your kind words and good wishes regarding my FET. Where would I be without out all of your love and support? I have missed not reading my email for the past 2 days and have enjoyed catching up on all the news.

My FET went well on Thursday. We managed to transfer 3 embryos. They were frozen at the 2-cell stage and by the time transfer rolled around one was a 6-cell, another was a 3-cell and the last one was still a 2-cell. The only bad news is that they had to thaw 8 embryos to get 3 good ones. Now we only have one frozen embryo left. I am really hoping that this FET works, otherwise we will be put in a difficult situation for our next cycle. Please skip my vent if you are not in the mood for hearing it.

Start Vent!
Now please bear with me because this vent is long. Our clinic has an annoying policy that you must use up all of your frozen embryos before starting a fresh cycle. I only have one frozen embryo left, so they would want me to use it up before carrying on with a fresh cycle. Given their current thaw rate with my embryos (3 out of 8 surviving), my embryo will have less than a 40% chance of surviving. If it does survive given my clinic's current FET success rate, I will only have about a very small chance of achieving a pregnancy if I transfer one embryo. I asked if they could make an exception to their policy, so that I could do a fresh cycle next time and save the leftover frozen embryo to be combined with any other frozen embryos from my next cycle. Makes sense right? Their answer was perhaps, but I would have to talk to my IVF doctor before such a decision could be made. Guess when the next time an available appointment is to see my IVF doctor? Sometime in April, in fact they can't even tell me when yet!!!! The nurse said she told my doctor of the situation and he still insisted that I must see him in person. On Monday I will try to be put on a cancellation list to get an appointment to see my doctor. I will also be writing him a long letter explaining my situation and asking him to call me or answer my questions in writing. The nurse who I talked to was extremely patronizing and wouldn't give me direct answers to any of my questions. She told me to concentrate on making this FET work and not to worry about what will happen if it doesn't. Easy for her to say. I do believe we have a certain amount of positive energy that we can channel to help us in our cause, but if we had ultimate control, all of us would have been pregnant a long time ago. I can't go through life not having a plan B ready in case plan A should fail. Given the clinic's current success rate for transferring 3 embryos on a frozen cycle, I don't think she should be so enthusiastic that I might get pg. I'm not trying to be negative. In fact I'm just the opposite. I want to be realistic. If I didn't have to go to this clinic, I would have left a long time ago. I just can't stand it when organizations blindly follow rules and don't make exceptions when their rules don't make sense for an individual case. If worse comes to worse and I don't get pregnant this cycle and I can't get an answer from my RE, I will go ahead and try for an FET again in March with my one remaining embryo. If that FET fails, I can then go on to do a fresh IVF starting in April with possible retrieval and transfer in May. I know I may sound like I'm whining when it is really only a difference of one month, but I just want to get through these cycles so that I can get a baby one way or another. I'm an impatient person and I can't stand to be kept waiting for a STUPID reason. Thanks for listening, I am starting to feel better already.
End Vent!

Please don't worry that I am filled with hostility and anger now. I am actually quite calm and am trying to take each day one at a time, while planning for the future. I am wishing you all ++++ thoughts and energy.

Love, Brenda

February 28, 1999 - Thanks for listening

Hello everyone,

Thanks for making me feel good after my long vent. If I thought my RE would listen, I would forward all of your emails to him. He definitely won't be winning any RE of the month awards from me. LOL I have composed a long letter, which I will deliver to the clinic (in person) on Monday. I am also planning on calling the coordinator of the IVF program. Maybe I will get some more answers from her. Thanks for all of your suggestions and just for being there to listen to me.

++++ thoughts
Love, Brenda

March 7, 1999 - Spotting haunts me once again

Dear cycle buds,

I am spotting 10dpt again. During my last IVF cycle AF arrived 11dpt, after I started spotting 10dpt. Why is this happening to me all over again? I wish I could fool myself into thinking that AF won't arrive this time. I wish I could take an HPT with some hope that it would be positive. I wish I could just make it through to the official pg test for once. Why does AF always mock me by arriving early after my IVF / FET cycles? I wish I knew the answers. I feel that my hours are numbered before AF arrives. I don't usually ask this, but if you have a moment please say a prayer for me. I will do my part and try not to give up entirely. Thanks for all of your support.

Love, Brenda

March 7, 1999 - It's Over

Dear friends,

It's me again. Unfortunately I do not have good news to report. AF arrived this evening and the HPT we did was a big negative. Thank you for the prayers and love you sent me all day today. If your prayers could have gotten me pregnant, I'm sure AF wouldn't have arrived. I have to admit that I am sad, but not quite as sad as after my first IVF cycle. I guess I feel like we are on a mission to have a baby and this is just one hurdle in the road to fulfilling our dream. Dh was so sweet to me this evening. Besides bringing me flowers, doing the grocery shopping and taking out the garbage, he whispered in my ear as I cried over our failed FET that we could start looking into adoption if our next fresh IVF cycle failed. Dh and I had already talked about this, but it was the first time he actually said it out loud to me. I cried even more as he said this, because I knew just how lucky I was that he loved me so much.

So what is my next step???? As many of you know I still have one frozen embryo left and since I couldn't convince the clinic that I should do a fresh cycle, I am starting another natural cycle FET right away. This FET cycle is a long shot at best. My embryo may not even survive the thaw. The good news is that if this next FET is a failure, I can move on to a fresh IVF cycle in April with retrieval and transfer sometime in May. It looks like I will be an active cycle buddy with the group for quite a while longer. :) This delay will also give me time to get back into shape and to continue the work on my IVF web site. I know there is so much more that I can do.

Thanks again for being there for me. You make my disappointment so much easier to bear.

Love, Brenda

March 12, 1999 - You are my IVF angels

Dear CBs,

I want to thank you for all for your kind notes, prayers, love and support that you sent me after my FET failed. I wish I could have responded to each of you personally. You are truly my IVF angels sent from above to help me through these difficult times.

To make a long story short, the email I sent you on Sunday was a bit premature. I did get AF but only for an hour, then I spotted until Wednesday when my real AF arrived. My official beta on Thursday was of course negative. I had to take it otherwise the clinic wouldn't let me start my next FET. So I guess what I tried to avoid 2 weeks ago will take place anyway. I will have to go ahead with a one embryo frozen transfer because of the clinic's policy. Today I also found out that if this FET cycle doesn't work, I may not be able to start a fresh cycle until May. I will save this story for another day when I have more time.

Dh and I have decided to go away for the weekend. He told me that I need to get away from the computer. I wonder why he said that???? He booked a room for us at an inn with a spa. We will have a romantic weekend for two as a kind of consolation for our failed FET. I know that nothing could ever make up for not having a baby, but a few days away may help me get a fresh new perspective.

This week was a bit stressful for me and I have left some important email messages unanswered. I promise to get to these messages on Monday. I hope you can bear with me until then. Have a good weekend! :)

++++ thoughts
Love, Brenda

March 23, 1999 - FET #2

Hello everyone,

Sometimes I get so busy that I forget to send out my own updates. My LH level surged on Sunday, so my FET is scheduled for Wednesday. Tomorrow afternoon, I will find out if my one remaining embryo survived the thaw. I have not been too hopeful that it will survive, because my thaw rate last time was so bad. I can't help but feel a little sad for this one remaining embryo. It is the last remaining symbol of hope from my first IVF cycle. If it does survive, I have promised myself to have some faith and pray for a miracle. I will continue to pray for miracles for all of you too.

Love, Brenda

March 23, 1999 - The embie survives

Hello everyone,

Your prayers and positive thoughts must have worked, because so far my little embie has survived the thaw. If it survives overnight I will have the transfer tomorrow morning. I'm happy that our embie has made it this far and I will do my part and stay postive. Thanks for all of your support.

Love, Brenda

March 29, 1999 - It doesn't look good

Hello cycle buds,

We transferred the one embryo last Wednesday. It didn't divide before transfer, so I'm not too optimistic that we will get pregnant this time. I won't tell you when my pregnancy test is, because I have never made it to the actual beta test day, but I will tell you that if I make it past this weekend without spotting or AF, I might start believing in miracles.

Thanks for continued support and good wishes.

Love, Brenda

April 19, 1999 - Personal Note

I didn't update the group after my second FET failed. My 2-week wait followed the same pattern as the one before it (spotting on day 10 followed by AF on day 13). The day that AF started, I felt very sad, because not only had my FET failed, I knew that we would be starting the IVF process all over again. It was hard to believe that we would have to do a second IVF cycle.

I am now about a week away from starting the drugs for our next IVF. I have to say that my optimism for this second IVF is not as great as my first, but my familiarity with the process will make me less anxious this time. I continue to gather strength and support from my many cycle buddies, both old and new. And I'm so happy to report that a few more of my original cycle buddies have gotten pregnant. They and so many others give me hope for the future.