IVF was our only option. My husband was diagnosed with a low sperm count and very low motility. We knew that IVF would be our only hope of giving birth to a child that was biologically both of ours. We had considered other options - donor insemination and adoption. Donor insemination was by far the least expensive option, but it had its emotional issues. We found adoption and IVF to be similarly priced - each about $10,000. (We did not have insurance coverage for IVF at the time.) We looked seriously into adoption because we decided it would "guarantee" taking home a baby, in time, and IVF could be money spent for nothing. Again, more emotional issues - a lot of reading - and discussions with my brother who was adopted. We waited. We couldn't afford IVF, but that was where my heart told me we should try first. Nine months, and three insurance companies later, I had group insurance with coverage. I was elated. We were finally going to give it a try. We got all of the insurance paperwork started for pre-certification. We found out that the insurance would not cover any of the medications, but would cover the IVF procedure. We were required by our Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) to get pre-certified in advance for what the insurance company would cover. The insurance company, (BC/BS of IL - Beware!) refused to do this. We finally came to the very shaky conclusion that WITH insurance, the procedure would cost us $7500, plus the cost of medications (we did not know at the time how much medications would cost). We began preparing, but within a week my employer's new Benefits administrator sent a notice to all employees stating that my employer was going to switch our insurance policy to a new company. They expected the change finalized within 2 months. Of course our hopes were dashed. We thought we would never see the day when progress would be made.

What we did not know at the time, was that it was a tremendous blessing. I informed our Benefits Administrator of our situation. She, along with the owners of my company, actually SOUGHT OUT plans that would cover IVF. They rejected plans on the sole basis that IVF would not be covered. How lucky I was to be working for such a caring company! To add to the blessings, the previous company (BC/BS of IL - again, BEWARE!) had started to REFUSE paying my previous claims - regular non-IF stuff that was clearly covered in the policy. They sent me a letter stating that they were investigating my original application, as they believed I had lied on it, and would therefore be ineligible for coverage. (I had NOT lied.) They requested the names and addresses of every Doctor and Hospital I had been to in the past 10 YEARS! Of course, I knew in my heart it was to avoid coverage for the IVF, which I had already informed them of. However, I had no choice. They were neglecting to pay completely unrelated claims. I did as they asked, and provided the information. For the next few months, they continued to delay payment stating that they had not yet gotten responses from all of the Doctors and hospitals I had listed. Meanwhile, I had bills that were being sent to collection agencies for non-payment. This lasted well after I was already on the new insurance, and starting all over on our hopes of IVF. It was only after I requested advice from my Benefits Administrator at work, on how best to handle this, that I found any help. (I had tried EVERYTHING else - including getting info from the State Insurance Commissioner - to no avail.) It only took one call from my company to the old insurance company asking them why they were delaying my claims, and I received EOB's showing payment on ALL of my outstanding claims within 2 weeks. Amazing! Once again - Praise God that I have such a good employer! Finally, everything was in place. My new insurance company provided much greater coverage, and cut my up-front costs in HALF! This company (Wellmark) also covered the meds, but I did have to pay for them in advance and submit claims for them on my own. By the way, if I HAD NOT had coverage for meds, my med costs would have been almost $4000 per cycle.

It was September of "98 when everything came together and I began the meds. for IVF. We planned to have ICSI done to insure that at least one egg would be fertilized. The shots were very scary at first. As a lifelong hater of needles, it took a certain amount of adjustment. My husband found it equally, if not more so, challenging. However, you know all good things are worth fighting for. We "gutted" our way through it. At first it was easier than I had imagined. The shots didn't really hurt that bad most of the time. My fears that the hormones would make me sick, or crazy, were unfounded. It wasn't bad at all. I was at the Doctor's office for an ultrasound of my ovaries when the Doctor said he needed to talk to us. He explained a new "revolutionary" procedure that had been in use in the United States on humans for about 9 months. This procedure was called Blastocyst Transfer. It wasn't very different from IVF, except for the following: 1) Instead of transferring embryos to the uterus within 24 to 48 hours, at the 2 to 3 cell stage, as is normal in traditional IVF, they would "grow" the embryos longer in a culture for closer to a week, until the embryos reached Blastocyst stage, at approx. 60-100 cell stage. 2) This would require only 2 days of bed rest rather than 4 days. 3) When the Blastocyst stage is reached, and Blastocysts are transferred the success rates jump to around 70+% rather than the traditional 30% rates for women under age 35. 4) There would be a greater chance, however, of the embryos NOT surviving to Blastocyst stage, and because of that, it was explained to me, the overall rates were comparable to regular IVF. 5) Blastocyst transfer more closely emulated nature, because the environments that an embryo would have passed through in the fallopian tubes would be more closely recreated by the use of special cultural mediums. 6) Knowing the embryos did not survive to Blastocyst would stop that cycle of treatment much earlier, saving the financial and emotional expense of transferring embryos that may not take. and finally, 7) This WAS considered EXPERIMENTAL, and while it was available to us, it would not cost any more.

My husband and I discussed it, and decided to try the Blastocyst Transfer. The HCG shot before the retrieval was very frightening, because it was our first intra-muscular shot. We were fortunate that a nurse/neighbor volunteered to come by and give me the shot (at midnight!) It was painless, and I was relieved. The subsequent IM shots we did on our own, and they were made easy by some simple advice from the nurse, and from fellow IVF'ers at my regular chat site. We would ice the area until it went numb. My husband would give the shot, while no weight was placed on my leg. We would immediately massage the area to keep the medicine from pooling, and then we would apply a heat pack until comfortable.

Retrieval was at a surgical center in town, and I was anesthetized for the procedure. Afterwards, my abdomen was very sore, and crampy. I was told that 8 eggs were retrieved, 7 of which were completely mature. It would be a week before I would know if a transfer would take place. We received one update mid-week and at that point we were told that 5 eggs had been fertilized. One of the 5 eggs was maturing behind the rest, but it was developing at an earlier stage than the rest. On the day of transfer, I was informed that 3 embryos survived to blastocyst, one of which was the "late bloomer." We had already indicated we were only going to transfer two blastocysts because of the high success rate, and the high rate of multiples. We indicated our desire to stick with the plan, and transfer the two mature blastocysts, and when the third was ready, we would have it cryopreserved for a future attempt. The transfer was a breeze compared to the retrieval. No anesthesia needed. It was over in minutes, and then I lay flat for an hour or so at the surgical center. My parents drove in from out of state to be there with me. My husband took the seats out of the back of our van before we went so I could lay flat all the way home. (We wouldn't take a single risk!) Every time I went to the bathroom, and had to get vertical, I would hold my abdomen and pray to my unborn babies, "Hang in there little embies, I'll be flat again in a second." I was so glad I did blastocyst transfer, because two days COMPLETELY FLAT was hard! I couldn't imagine doing that for twice as long! When my time was up, I almost felt guilty moving around, but I knew intellectually, it had either happened or not, and my standing or walking now would not effect it.

Well for the next week, I noticed how crampy, and pre-menstrual I felt. I also had breast tenderness, and leg aches, and I still felt sore from the retrieval. In my heart, though I did not want to be disappointed, I really believed I was pregnant. My husband thought so too, and was anxious to prove it. A day and a half before the official blood test, HE bought an HPT for me to take. I was scared, but really secretly believed it too, so I took it. I still remember the look on his face as he kept staring at the wand trying to wish the line to show, but none was there. I wasn't pregnant. We cried. He apologized for making me take it. I was still secretly hopeful, but my crest had fallen. I had to come to the realization, that this might not work. We held each other in sadness. Two days later I gave blood for the test. There was apprehension more than hope. I didn't want to give up the dream. I faxed my husband at work, and told him how much I loved him, and whether it worked or not we would be fine. Imagine my surprise when the nurse called after lunch to say I was pregnant!

Before the end of the work day, my husband arrived at my job, and asked me to come out to the car with him. Once outside, he opened the car trunk to reveal the crib bedding I had long admired, with a big bow, and a little balloon that said "MOM." I was overjoyed, (and then, of course, I warned him that it could NOT come into the house until after the first trimester. - I wasn't going to jinx anything!!!) He stored it in the garage.

At 7 weeks, we went in for our first ultrasound. We saw TWO heartbeats!!! Both wee ones measured comparably, and their heartbeats were strong. We were shocked, and thrilled, and scared! The RE prepared us (as I now know most do) about "Vanishing Twin" Syndrome. Often one twin absorbs, and you are left with one twin, not two. I did not want to tell everyone about the twins if I would only end up with one. I did not want people to know I was pregnant. At this point, I almost felt that saying it or writing it would be so presumptuous as to ruin it all -- doom it to fail. I wasn't taking any chances.

My parents knew, but we requested for no one else to know. My parents couldn't stand it! This would be their first grandchildren, and neither one of them could seem to keep their mouths shut. I wanted to wait until the next ultrasound at 12 weeks, when I would know that both twins survived the first trimester. My parents bugged me on every phone call. "When are you telling your brother?" I gave in. I told him, and it felt good. Still I insisted - no one else in the family can know. (We are out of state from my family, so they don't see me regularly enough for it to have been obvious.) I finally relented, and told my parents that I would announce our pregnancy on Thanksgiving. My mom admitted she had told my aunt. Oh, but she swore her to secrecy, and she had to tell her, because my aunt had known about my parents visit for the transfer, and had been asking all of the right questions. "Okay," I said, "but no one else." Well, it was a week before Thanksgiving when I found out that between my Mom and Dad, each member of my extended family had been told about our pregnancy individually. Each member, I am sure, had been sworn to secrecy. My parents couldn't keep a secret if their lives depended on it. I was upset. It seemed as if the announcement should have been my choice, and in my time, but alas, it was not to be.

At Thanksgiving, my husband and I chuckled with each other as we watched all of the adults in my family (with the exception of my grandmothers, who WEREN'T told) knowingly glance at us while trying to remain nonchalant. All of the while, they tried to hide it from each other, because only we, (and my parents) knew that EVERYONE ELSE knew that we were pregnant. You could tell, they were all waiting for the big announcement, and I almost didn't give in - preferring instead to make them suffer. My Dad, so over-anxious, once even said to me before dinner, "Don't you have something to tell your grandmother?" I looked straight at him and calmly said, "No." After driving them all sufficiently crazy, we did finally announce, and it wasn't what I would have planned or dreamed, but it sufficed.

Now that my family knew, I felt it was only right that my husband's family knew too, and we told them all about it. Of course, I was still in the habit of following up each announcement with the warning of the "Vanishing Twin" syndrome. If I lost one, I wanted EVERYONE prepared not to ask me a bunch of questions about it.

My first trimester was uneventful. No morning sickness, thank goodness, but I did have a general distaste for food in general and I didn't really gain back an appetite until about 16 or 17 weeks. I was continued with progesterone supplements until about 14 weeks, which was not fun. You do what you must though.

Finally, I cannot end my story with the birth of two healthy babies. At least I can't end my story yet. In three days I will have my 20-week ultrasound, when I hope to find out the sexes of my two babies. We have names (mostly) picked out, and I have long passed the fear of having baby things in the house. I have already been given a few items, and I have even splurged on a few small things myself. I only plan to work for a few more weeks, as I want to be certain I am doing everything I can to prevent premature labor (as it is so common with multiples.) In the last week or so, my stomach has changed greatly, and for the first time, I really FEEL pregnant. I am finally finding joy, after being frustrated for so long.

I wish all of you reading this a happy ending to your infertility struggle. While I am confident all is well, I must admit the fear never really leaves. For that I wish myself a happy ending to this story that looks more like the beginning we all want to reach - PARENTHOOD! Good Luck, and God Bless you all.