Elephant in the Room

Are you feeling the holiday blues?

I really don't want to admit it, but I am a bit blue.

I'm currently at my sister's house in San Diego. Her life is much more of a fast-past, overwhelming bustle of activity than I am used to. Quite a change from normal life in Austin for me.

My sister has a new baby (of course). Her daughter is a miracle - born after heartbreaking struggles that don't need explanation in this community. And at 42 my sister, a first-time mom, has taken to motherhood like a duck to water. Her baby - who will officially become my Goddaughter tomorrow morning - is one of those incredibly easy babies who sits quietly, observes everything and always has an bright-eyed, inquisitive expression on her sweet face.

I don't get sad, or jealous, or upset when other women finally make it to motherhood. I love the miracle of life and My heart swells when babies are nearby. They're cute, snuggly, innocent, beautiful little creatures who are full of love and wonder. (Some of the reasons that we all struggle so hard to have them. They're amazing, and they grow up to be another person in our lives who will love is back. What's not to love?)

But this year - for many reasons - the holiday blues have firmly fogged me in. There's a dense haze over the festivities and I feel a wistful sadness that I can neither pinpoint nor shake off. I'm not cycling and I'm not pining for a baby - or at least I wasn't until I got to meet my sister's little 4-month old miracle.

That old familiar ache of infertility and the envy of others' joy (no matter how slight) are always at the edge of an infertile woman's consciousness. I try to practice mindfulness and being present as much as I can. Most of the time I'm fine - happy, content, focused on what I have and where I'm headed. But juuuuust every once in a while ... when I least expect it, those feelings are triggered and surprise the heck out of me.

This New Year's Eve I am focusing (with some success) on the blessings in my life: a happy, healthy family, a vocation that fills my spirit with joy (hi, IVFC community!), my friends who sustain me and watch out for me, my two dogs who are always living in the Now and constantly showering me with unconditional love, and my husband and daughter who nourish my soul. I have a lot to be grateful for. Tonight is a great night to reflect on the good, and I'll try to continue it tomorrow.

And if, for some reason, I can't sustain it through tomorrow ... well, I'll just give myself a do-over and try again.