Rachel's Story: Genetics, Donor Embryos and a Miracle

Little did we know that the simple decision to have a baby and start our family like most other couples of our age would lead into a 5 year long downward spiral of failure, loss, sadness, and anger, with an unexpected outcome. It was the year 1999. We were in our mid-twenties and had been married several years. We were college sweethearts and married in our early twenties. My husband found a good job after college graduation and I went into graduate school. As I was finishing my degree it seemed like a good idea to start a family. We had been talking for years about baby names and how we’d like to raise our children, whether we wanted two or three children, whether we wanted boys or girls, the things that most people talk about when they are dating or newly married. We took our fertility for granted. There was no reason to believe that we would have any problems. We were both young and healthy, I had regular periods, why would we have a problem?

So, we enthusiastically started trying. But the worry began to creep in after a few months of what seemed like perfect timing only to start the dreaded monthly period. I remembered stories I had heard of infertile couples. I wondered if maybe we were one of them. I started paying closer attention to my body and noticed that in some cycles I was cramping and spotting before my period started. Months went by and even though it was still early and we weren’t technically infertile, I really began to worry about what could be wrong. I used ovulation predictor kits, our timing was perfect, but I still couldn’t get pregnant. Was it the hot tub we sat in? The wine I drank? What was the spotting all about?

During this time we moved to another state closer to family. We bought a small starter home. Although I was worried, we were still optimistic that we would eventually have a family and fill the two extra bedrooms with children. But, when nothing happened and my worry grew, I made an appointment with an OB-GYN, one who specialized in infertility. It had been about 9 months since we started trying. The doctor ran the standard tests and we were stunned to discover that my husband’s semen analysis was abnormal. I wrote down all the numbers and researched what they meant (and learned how to use the internet!). I went to the bookstore and looked for books on infertility. We made an appointment with a urologist. I tried not to panic.

The idea that we may have to do invasive treatments like IUI or maybe even IVF devastated me. Being thrifty and careful with money, I hated the idea of spending thousands of dollars with no guarantee of success. We were in our mid-twenties and didn’t have a lot of money. I hated that we would have no privacy and we may not be able to have a family the “normal” way. What if treatment didn’t work? Could we adopt? What would that be like? I was not a positive person and visualized the worst, my anxiety increasing.

In the next few months we learned from the urologist that my husband had varicoceles—varicose veins in his testicles—and that could be causing his decreased testosterone level and poor sperm count, motility, and morphology. My husband underwent surgery to attempt to correct the varicoceles. Then we had to wait a few months to see if we saw an improvement.

During this time I also underwent a laparoscopy to determine why I was cramping and spotting before my periods started. That revealed that I had mild-moderate endometriosis, and the OB-GYN lasered it. He removed a small polyp from my uterus. He urged us to keep trying since the endometriosis would likely come back eventually.

So, who was to “blame” for our infertility? Was it my husband with his poor sperm? Was it me with the endometriosis? Both of us? We didn’t know for sure. We threw around discussions of donor sperm. Could we do that? I felt miserable thinking about it. I wanted a baby with my husband. I wanted an equal genetic connection, not just one of us having it. My husband did a job change at this time and we decided to try on our own for several months while waiting for new insurance. We thought maybe it would work this time since my husband had the varicocele procedure and my endo was lasered. Little did we know at that time the sperm or my endometriosis was likely the least of our fertility problems.

After several months of trying naturally and I still was not getting pregnant, our new insurance kicked in and I made an appt. to see an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). My husband made an appointment to see a different urologist. In the midst of all this we learned that my mother, who was my best friend beside my husband, had cancer, most likely terminal. I was devastated and beside myself with anxiety and grief. What would be worse? Losing my mother or never having children? I was only 27 years old and just beginning my adult life. Would she live long enough to see my children? I knew how much she was looking forward to my having children. Should we try to start treatments while she was so sick? We saw the RE and decided to try a medicated IUI cycle and see what happened, even though we knew the sperm count was still low. As it turned out, she only lived a couple months after her diagnosis. She passed away a couple days after my first negative hCG test from medicated IUI #1. When I first got my medication for the cycle I brought it into her house and we sadly joked about who was shooting up the most drugs. It still pains me that I was not fully there for my mother during her last weeks, I was too obsessed with infertility, wanted to get pregnant and give her a chance to see her grandchild before she died, and depressed about my own circumstances. I was just beginning the ugliest chapter of my life and my mother was no longer there to help me through it.